Advanced School on Tropical Agriculture
The Secret to Male Happiness
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What is it that would make men happy, you might ask yourself. Well that is a good damn question. Being that I just made the big 3-0 the other day, I have had a few decades to ponder this question. In our youth, we think that it is stuff like money, fame, devilish good looks, a harem of Jet Beauties of the Week, etc. When you get in your 20’s, you think it is a job that you don’t despise going to each morning, a full head of hair, having less than 30 percent body fat, knowing that your 401-K didn’t lose 50 percent of its value, etc. But when you get to 30, you start to see the big picture…there is one thing and one thing only that really makes men happy. Not getting into constant, senseless arguments with women…
I always laugh when I watch the movie Baby Boy…especially the part where Omar Gooding says “I am not going to call you ladies ‘bi#$hes’…I am going to call you ‘unstable creatures’”. Pure comedy. But, other than calling any woman a b$%#h (which I completely disagree with), truer words were never spoken. Women are some unstable creatures…some of whom unleash a wrath comparable to God’s punishment of Job or Ike’s boot beating of Tina.
So true happiness is figuring out how to avoid this wrath. And I, ladies and gentlemen, have found the satisfaction guaranteed, fool-proof method to avoid confusion and confrontation with the female gender. The trick is to use one of these three phrases when you are staring down the eyes of a crazed woman…
- You’re right…my bad…
- I know…I apologize…
- That’s cool…I can wait…
What is funny is that I told women about this and they were like “this crap would never work…women are not going for that”. Three minutes after that was said, I tried it on someone and what do you know…eureka!!!! Why does it work so well??? Because women want to be right so bad, when you agree with them, they are in heaven. And when they are in heaven, we men are in heaven…
Though women say they don’t like drama…they love it. They covet it. They hold onto it so tight, that it is a diamond after they let it go. On the other hand, men will confront drama but we are a peace-loving people. Drama is our Kryptonite. Women will make statements like “oh, I don’t have any female friends…they are catty and always causing drama”. What dude have you ever heard say such a thing??? Empirical evidence shows that women are a thousand times more likely to start some drama than men are. With facts like these, men need to arm themselves with the weapons to combat drama…our happiness depends on it…
So the next time that your female friend from college says “all men are dogs…I can’t even stand looking at you”, you respond by saying “I know…I apologize” or “you’re right…my bad”. Even if the faux understanding does not get you to third base, it will alleviate all symptoms of drama and even bring a smile to your face at the ease of its implementation. When you approach your girlfriend about trying that new contortionist move that you saw on a Cinemax after-hours movie and she looks at you disgusted, just respond with “you’re right…my bad”…you might even be able to get away with “that’s cool…I can wait” if it seems like she thought about it for a second. Vary up your responses a bit and you will find that drama-free life is definitely in your future. Happiness is just around the corner…